


Looking Back

by LyraSaber



Series: SWTOR Ficlets [12]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, discussion of family loss, post ord-mantell mission
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:28:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26522164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LyraSaber/pseuds/LyraSaber
Summary: With no certain time when He'll be back on Ord Mantell, Jedi Knight Tyrenic takes a trip back to his home town.
Series: SWTOR Ficlets [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1398808





	Looking Back

Tyrenic stepped away from the SIS agent and stared out at the Mantellian skyline. He hadn’t been here in so long. The memories were crashing against the feelings of the planet. The pain, and fear and hate and suffering that were part of the landscape for any Jedi in a war zone was everywhere. It hadn’t always been this way. That was part of what made it so painful, he could remember when this planet had felt warm and safe. When he couldn’t sense everything the people suffered here.

Shelerik and T7 were next to him, Shelerik had been waiting when he’d returned from the imperial stronghold. The agent said he’d been waiting there for awhile, led a few rattled soldiers through a meditation and sent them to their missions calmed and focused. Hopefully, it would help them. 

He felt a strong hand land on his shoulder as he stared, lost in his memories. He needed to do this. It had haunted him for too long and Force knows how long it would be until he could make it back to the planet. He heard T7 chirp next to him. The droid had become a trusted member of his team, maybe even a friend. “Head back to the ship, get Kira and prepare to head out. I’m sure the general has more that we need to accomplish urgently. I have some things to take care of, I’ll be there soon.” 

T7 let out a quick and quiet stream of binary. “Jedi sure? Jedi - T7=safe?”

Nic looked down at him. “I’m sure T7. I’ll be fine, I just have some personal business to take care of.” 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Shelerik kneel down and place a hand on T7 “Please go on ahead. Find Kira. I need to talk to Knight Shabre for a moment. I’ll be along soon. Wait at the ship please.” Shelerik smoothly rose to his feet as the astromech chirped his agreement and rolled away toward the spaceport. Nic was always impressed by how easily Shel could move his bulk. He was tall and broad and seemed like he shouldn’t be able to move with the grace he did and it was always interesting to see how he interacted with much smaller beings like T7 or like Kira. 

He hadn’t missed the way Shelerik seemed to look a bit longer than necessary or spend a bit more time than he might normally talking to her. He was careful though, they were Jedi and though there were few years between them in age, Shelerik was a Knight and Kira still a padawan. Shel seemed aware of that and was keeping a proper distance, though a little chat between them couldn’t hurt.

It was also interesting how around T7 and Kira and others, they were still so formal. often referring to each other as Knight Shabre or Knight Coro, occasionally shifting to Knight Tyrenic and Knight Shelerik instead. It helped to differentiate between on duty and off duty time. Not that there was much of an off duty time. You were always a Jedi, whether actively engaged in the duties and business of the order or not. And, ok, maybe they were still kind of proud of finally passing their trials.

Another set of fighters streaking across the sky drew his attention back to the present. 

“You’re going back there, aren’t you?” Shel had stepped next to him and spoken in Mirialan. It was a bit of a surprise. Both were fluent in it, but like many of the order they spoke either pure basic, or basic mixed with what remnants of Dai Bendu they still had, the majority of the time. It was rare for them to speak Mirialan unless they were with other Mirialans. It wasn’t their first language after all. Tyrenic learned basic first and Shel had told him that his first few words had been in High Sith, before learning basic at the temple. Mirialan did give them at least slightly more privacy then they otherwise might have had though, and that was appreciated, if a bit more awkward. No one would stare though. Their people were known to be a bit private and Jedi were as well. He could speak freely.

He sighed again. “I have to, Shel. I need to face it.”

Shel gently pulled at his arm ‘til he faced him. “It was not your fault. You were a child. You were not there. It is not a failure of yours. You need to let go. Remember our code.” 

Tyrenic nodded “There is no emotion, there is peace. I know Shel. But I can’t let it go. I’ve been trying. It’s the only part of my past I haven’t faced. Two of my sisters died there, my mother almost died there. The only reason I didn’t was because Knight Riqr took me away three days before the attack. I have to go to Krosstoen. I need to face it as much as I needed to face the Coruscant Temple.” 

This time Shel sighed. “You’re not going to change your mind, are you?”

He shook his head. He needed this closure. 

“Alright then Nic, lead the way.”

“Wait, what, you’re not coming. I didn’t ask you to..?”

“Tyrenic, you are not only my brother in the order, but one of my oldest friends. You don’t have to face this alone. Also it’s not safe to travel alone, even for a Jedi as good as you and I know you don’t want Kira seeing you break down and sob and scream... AGAIN. You’re supposed to be her master for a while after all.”

That almost got a laugh. “And I want you to see that?”

“I saw you after Coruscant and Leshlaa got reassigned. I know how ugly your crying is, you can’t impress me anymore.”

“Alright my friend, alright.” Tyrenic was not surprised that his friend chose to visit his childhood home with him, but he was grateful. He stepped over to the speeder droid and arranged for them to head to the mainland. Krosstoen wasn’t a sight of much fighting anymore, so they shouldn’t have too many issues. 

The journey was quick. Krosstoen wasn’t that far from the coast. And the shuttle they were using was very fast. Almost too soon they saw the ruins and, parking the shuttle near the ashes of the front gate, the men climbed out and walked into the small village. 

The buildings were in shambles, doors ripped off hinges, collapsed roofs, some burned completely. There were still bloodstains on some of the stone, even almost 2 decades later. Tyrenic wandered silently, the fear and the pain that was still held in the force here a twisted symphony that he couldn’t block out. The screams so loud, he could almost hear them. The village was small, it had only a few dozen houses, so it didn’t take long to reach the remains of his old house. He stood there staring. Only the door frame and one wall remained standing. A few broken pieces of furniture. The chest that his mother had never allowed them to touch sat open and broken. “This is it. I lived here for years. I think we moved from somewhere else before my sisters were born. I don’t have any memories, only a feeling that we lived somewhere else once.” 

Shelerik nodded “I don’t remember life before the order. I guess there’s a certain age that you start to remember things. The only impression I have of the time before is pain and yelling. You have your mother and your sisters. That sounds like a good start.”

Nic had to smile. They’d compared memories before, but he rarely went into detail. “There were the four of us. I was always trying to help everyone play, Nya would usually follow the rules, if she didn’t then she either stayed so close to them she couldn’t get in trouble or she’d have a good reason. Nat and Kael though. The youngest two were trouble makers. Nat was a bit closer to Nya though, protective and always ready to fight. Leikael, the youngest, was chaos. Always finding something to do that would send the rest of us into a panic, usually dragging Nat with her. I remember one time when some of the bigger kids were picking on one of her friends, she somehow rallied the rest of us and we all got in this massive fight. Half the kids on the street got in on it. We won though. Mom was upset, but also seemed proud. Told us we were risking our place, and everything she’d risked for us. We never did that again that I can remember. “ 

He’d moved over and placed a hand on the doorframe. 

Shelerik laughed at his story and continued watching his back. Shel was the best friend he could ask for, giving him this time. He noticed a small broken frame and picked it up. There behind the broken transparisteel was a flimsiplast portrait of him, his mother and sisters. Taken a few days before he’d gone to train as a Jedi. That was the last fragment of pain he could take and he broke screaming into the mantellian wind as he sobbed.

Just as in the Jedi Temple, Shelerik stepped to his side and rested a hand on his shoulder and the other on his saber, facing away and letting Tyrenic cry while he kept watch for anyone trying to attack them.

After a few minutes, Nic started to come to himself. He pulled back and shifting began his meditations. “There is no emotion, there is peace.” He repeated the mantra, the first line of his code over and over slowly. Letting it’s meaning sink into him. This emotion was powerful, but understood. He had an attachment to those he loved, and their lose hurt. ‘There is no death, there is the force.” His sisters were part of the Force now. His mother injured for life. And it was all his fault.

“There is no emotion. There is peace.” It wasn’t his fault. He’d been seven years old. He’d been in transit to Coruscant. He’d had no training. Even if he’d been here, how could he have helped? He could have done something. Riqr or another Jedi could have done something. They had to have sensed it coming.

“There is no emotion, there is peace.” Riqr would have believed any prompting of the Force as referring to the war, which would have gone to the bigger cities or the forts. Not a small village in the middle of nowhere. He was not at the time able to do anything. The response had been the best it could be. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his orders fault. His sisters were at peace and his mother had care. Nyaisa was as safe as a soldier could be with her training. 

And as those thoughts settled into his bones. As the repetition revealed no new information and he began to believe himself, he was able to find peace. The pain was still there, he would likely always feel it. And it would always be amplified by being here where the pain of others was so loud. And he still felt some guilt, but he understood it to be nothing more than uncontrolled pain and fear. But he could handle it. The pain and guilt and grief no longer overwhelmed him. It could no longer control him. The teachings he held so tightly too had again served him well. He reached up and squeezed Shel’s hand in thanks before rising to his feet. Folding the flimsiplast, he tucked it into his robes and stepped away from the place that was no longer any kind of home. 

As they moved through the ashes, Tyrenic noticed something gleaming slightly under a broken beam. He stepped over and fished it out, staring at it in confusion. A Mandalorian helmet? What was that doing here? The reports hadn't mentioned any mandalorians, not one. It wasn't a Mandalorian or Imperial attack. And based on what he knew, they'd never leave their helmets behind. If one had been arrested or killed, the reports would have said so. He heard his name and turned to see Shel holding a pauldron, he turned it and there etched into the metal and lingering in traces of paint was the mythasaur skull. Another piece of Mandalorian armor where it was not supposed to be. He took the pauldron and dropped both pieces into the small pack he'd brought with him. "I'll look into this later. Let's get back."

The Jedi took in the ruined town one last time before starting back. They still had a mission, and a Padawan to train, because they were totally ready for that responsibility. It wasn’t like they’d been Padawans themselves very recently. The Sith wouldn’t stop until they destroyed the galaxy, so there wasn’t room for second guessing or delaying a Padawan’s training for a Master’s mission. There was still work to be done and duties to fulfill. They would be ready, no matter what was thrown at them next.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated. Thanks for reading. Hopefully you didn't hate it


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